At first I didn’t really like him. I thought he was just some rookie
who he thinks he’s everything. I don’t even like his gestures. Those
winks that he does. I do got the hots for guys who’s good at dancing but
I didn’t even bother to look at his dancing-though he was the main
dancer. He looks quite familiar when I first saw him with BEAST. Only to
know that he was AJ. I did saw his music video for dancing shoes and I
was quite impressed. I even titled him as “mini-RAIN”. But again, I
wasn’t aware that it was him. I continued to ignore him until one day, I
decided to actually search some things about him. I don’t know why but
as I was reading some articles about him, I was starting to eat my
words. Truly, I was impressed. He was not just a HANDSOME FACE. With
that, I got more and more interested in him. I started viewing some of
his pictures. There were, of course, A LOT. Everything pictured his
silliness, naughtiness and his…SMILE. One thing I will never forget
would be the time when I went through this photo of his and it just
captivated me. His perfect eye smile did. Yeah. I’ve seen a lot of those
before but the time I saw his felt kinda different. I don’t know why
but it felt so light and he seems so familiar. (Not in a way that I’ve
known him as AJ). He looks so familiar but I didn’t bother to think
about it. But to tell you the truth,his smile never left my mind.
And as I grow more and more interested in him, the hours I spent in
front of the computer grew larger in number. Kekeke~ But seriously it
did. There was even a time when I was really confused on whose face to
put on as a wallpaper. (Between Jaejoong and him actually.) Then there, I
put Jaejoong as the wallpaper and him as the screen saver. There was a
time when I was really confused. I was very depressed when TVXQ
disbanded and then suddenly here comes B2ST and Kikwang. I was so
focused on TVXQ that their disbandment broke my heart. But BEAST was
there and I tried to focus on them.
With that, I get to know more about them. And my bias was in no constant
manner. FromYang YoseobtoJang Hyunseungand finally, toLee Kikwang.Yes.
Kikwang is my ultimater bias until now. I know I was rough on him at
first but within that period of time, I started to appreciate him and he
eventually became my bias. As my fangirling life progresses, I continue
to find reasons to love Kikwang. He’s not perfect but there’s something
in him that I just can’t get enough of. People call himbabo(Korean term
for “fool”) but for I find nothing wring with it. Well, not because
he’s my bias but because that’s him. Why would I focus on changing his
flaws when I can embrace and accept it? I didn’t like him because he’s
handsome. Yeah, he does have one hot hell of a body but I didn’t love
him for that. I took those things as bonus. Because regardless of those
things, I love Kikwang because he’s humble and honest. He’s not afraid
to show off what he really is. Though he know very well that girls are
swarming over him, he managed to be humble and he didn’t even boast it
off to everyone. If people would tell him about those things, he would
manage to smile and just nod. Even he, himself doesn’t believe that a
lot of girls are crazy over him. (Including me. :P). And also he is a
loving brother, both to BEAST andHyekyung.Sometimes, if the other
members would play prank on him, he would just stay silent and smile.
He’s a very down-to-earth guy.
And his smile is just…I can’t explain it. There’s something
unexplainable about it. I’ve been like this towards his smile ever since
the first time I saw it. It feels so light and calming. The way that
his eyes smile with him is just so…heavenly. Everything feels so
different. That’s why when my co-fangirls would ask me what I loved most
on his physical appearance, I would always answer his smile. I do get
crazy over his sculpted abs but everything is nothing once he flashes
his smile. I love it and I love him. I know it’s crazy but I do. It’s so
hard to feel something like this. Falling in love with an idol…The
hardest part of being a fangirl. I laugh about it every time I talk
about it with my friends but deep inside, it’s with full honesty. They
take it as a joke but for me, it is what I truly feels. A lot of people
would tell me that I would outgrow it anyway but I don’t want to. i
don’t wanna give up on being a fan girl. And I don’t wanna quit. I know
it’s a 1:100 ratio of winning him but I hold onto that 1% ratio. It’s
better than nothing. He motivates me. He makes me smile. He makes me
happy and most of all, he inspires me. And I guess, that’s what a true
fangirl is. :D
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